


Burns like a thousand stars (though you're light years away)

by misshallelujah



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Getting Together, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Or Is It?, Unrequited Love, half of it at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:26:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26197843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misshallelujah/pseuds/misshallelujah
Summary: Xiao Zhan is the biggest dumbass in the history of being dumb. If the dumb Olympics were a thing, Xiao Zhan would break records in amassing gold medals.If someone two years ago had told him he’d find himself in this position, he would’ve laughed in their face and called them delusional. Now, it appears the delusional one is him.Or the one where Yibo was in love, Xiao Zhan is in love and they're both stupid.
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan
Comments: 23
Kudos: 262
Collections: BJYX Prompt Fest 2020, wang yibo and xiao zhan





	Burns like a thousand stars (though you're light years away)

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [bjyx_fest](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjyx_fest) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> (Author's choice of who is A and B and any rating!)
> 
> Genuinely unrequited crushing where Person B has crush on Person A, and Person A turns Person B down bc they aren’t attracted to Person B for whatever reason. Person B is crushed but gets over it and they stay friends. 
> 
> Cue a year or two down the line when Person A has fallen completely head-over-heels in love with Person B and is Pining Desperately. Person B always obliviously laughs it off whenever the idea of them dating is brought up, saying playfully something along the lines of “I’m definitely not Person A’s type, confirmed” while Person A internally curses his past self. Whenever Person A tries to counter, Person B thinks he’s just trying to be nice for rejecting him years ago. 
> 
> Bonus points for past!A being extra self-sabotaging. 
> 
> Do Want: pining, a little angst, dumb jealousy, getting together, if Explicit: switchy dynamics with person who got rejected (B) bottoming bc they deserve TLC 
> 
> Do not want: cheating, sad ending
> 
> Thank you to the person who submitted the prompt! Honestly, I feel like this is a mess, but I still hope you enjoy it <3
> 
> Title from the song Still Standing by The Rasmus.
> 
> PS: Seungyoun best boy, stream Equal on Spotify/Apple Music ty :)

Xiao Zhan is the biggest dumbass in the history of being dumb. If the dumb Olympics were a thing, Xiao Zhan would break records in amassing gold medals. 

If someone two years had ago told him he’d find himself in this position, he would’ve laughed in their face and called them delusional. Now, it appears the delusional one is him.

His past self really set him up to reach a level of stupidity that was never accomplished before and now he’s left feeling like a total loser.

Yibo is sitting right in front of him, in all his beautiful glory. He’s talking faster than normal and he keeps gesticulating wildly with his infuriatingly huge hands like he does when he’s excited about something. His eyes are big and shiny and Xiao Zhan is so stupid he’s sure he has digivolved but backwards.

“He’s coming on Sunday and staying for a week,” Yibo is saying, like Xiao Zhan is supposed to care. “I can’t wait to show him around and dance with him again.” 

Xiao Zhan forces his most convincing smile as Yibo keeps on rambling about this guy whose name Xiao Zhan doesn’t even want to think about. 

So it may seem like Xiao Zhan is being childish and petty, and that would be because it’s absolutely true. Xiao Zhan is a grown adult and he should be worrying about the design of an energy drink he has to present to his boss in two weeks, but instead he’s here, at a bar at 11pm on a Thursday night because Yibo always stays at the dance studio until late. It’s way past his bedtime on weekdays and Xiao Zhan is beginning to wonder how much further he would go for Yibo considering he’s ready to sacrifice his sleep schedule to pick him up and have a few drinks while he talks about another guy.

“Do you think he’ll be fine sleeping on the couch?”

That definitely pulls Xiao Zhan from his thoughts. “What?”

Yibo shrugs. “You know we’ve had it since college and it’s not in very good shape.”

“I’m sure he’ll be perfectly fine in the couch.” Xiao Zhan says, annoyed. Where else is this guy supposed to sleep, in Yibo’s room? No fucking way is Xiao Zhan letting that happen in his own apartment. Over his dead body.

They’ve been living together since they graduated college two years ago. Xiao Zhan is five years older than Yibo but they attended college at the same time, as Xiao Zhan started up late. They met the first day of their freshman year because of a shared course. It’s funny really, Xiao Zhan would even go as far as to call it fate if he wasn’t sure their friends would laugh at him. Their majors had no relation to each other and only a mandatory course brought them together. The education Gods may have some hidden Cupid tendencies Xiao Zhan is most definitely not complaining about.

When they graduated, it was easier to share living expenses and Xiao Zhan’s office happened to be near Yibo’s studio. It was a smart decision. Or at least it seemed so at the moment.

From all the time they’ve been living together, Xiao Zhan could count with the fingers of one hand only all the people Yibo has brought to their apartment that aren’t their shared friends. There is Wenhan from the dance studio, who went to college with Yibo and likes video games even more than Yibo, but always offers to do the dishes when he stays for dinner. Then there is Cheng Xiao, who Yibo knows since he was little as their moms are best friends, and recently moved to Beijing to study. She’s sweet and Xiao Zhan loves the way Yibo cares for her like a little sister. 

Finally, there is Yibo’s mom. She has visited many times and every single one of them she comes loaded with food, so Xiao Zhan can’t really complain. Not that he would be able to complain, as Yibo’s mom is the scariest woman Xiao Zhan has met in his life. She’s like a lioness whose only purpose is protecting her cub. Yibo is a completely different person around her, though, and Xiao Zhan finds it fascinating. He lets himself get babied by her and has no trouble showing affection and how much he adores her. A notable contrast from the sometimes aloof and seamingly disinterested Yibo he was when Xiao Zhan first met him.

Their apartment is usually a quiet and safe space. Xiao Zhan knows Yibo doesn’t like crowds and so when he meets with friends, he always tries to do it outside of their home. He knows Yibo does the same thing, especially when Xiao Zhan has a big project at work and can’t seem to find inspiration. They both prefer the comfort of privacy and their boundaries are pretty well established.

So no one can’t blame Xiao Zhan for feeling a little bit betrayed that Yibo has invited a total stranger into their home. For a whole week, may he add.

“So this guy,” Xiao Zhan begins.

“Seungyoun.”

“Right. Seungyoun.” Xiao Zhan takes a sip from his drink, giving himself time to master the ability to sound neutral. “How close are you two?”

“We haven’t seen each other in a while, since I came back from Korea,” Yibo explains. “But we text almost every day so I’d say close enough.”

Close enough is a very ample umbrella of possibilities. They could be mere acquaintances or Yibo could be planning the wedding in secret. This information does absolutely nothing to calm Xiao Zhan’s anxiety.

Seungyoun is Yibo’s best friend from the few years he spent in Korea. Yibo’s family moved to Seoul because of his mom’s job when Yibo was fourteen and came back the year before he started college. Xiao Zhan has heard many stories about Yibo’s time in Seoul and most of those stories included Seungyoun. He was the one to approach Yibo on his first day of school to drag him along with him to the dance club. He didn’t mind the language barrier at first and set his mind into learning Madarin as Yibo learned Korean so they could understand each other faster. He helped Yibo with his classes and was always there for him when he got homesick or he was having a hard time adapting. Xiao Zhan has even seen a few pictures of him and the guy not only sounds like the second coming of Jesus, he also radiates light. So the prospect of sharing his space, and most importantly, sharing Yibo with the Sun’s heir is less than appealing.

But he can’t tell Yibo that. First, because he would sound like a total asshole. Their apartment is his as much as it is Yibo’s and he has no right to ban Yibo from bringing anyone just because Xiao Zhan is pure green inside. And secondly, because that would mean having to explain his reasons why, and Xiao Zhan is not ready for Yibo to know how much of an idiot he actually is.

It’s no one’s problem but Xiao Zhan’s and like the grown adult he is he should deal with it on his own. Internally. Within himself. Without letting Yibo know Xiao Zhan is in love with him.

***

Xiao Zhan’s first day of his college career is not going as he imagined.

He forgot to plug in his phone the night before so it ran out of battery during the night, which meant no alarm clock to wake him up with enough time to get ready. Once his subsconscious realised his mistake, he only had fifteen minutes to get dressed, grab a quick breakfast and brush his teeth if he wanted to grab the eight o’clock bus. He sprinted to the bus stop and even then, barely made it in time. The bus driver had pity on him and opened the doors again for him when he saw him running down the street. Xiao Zhan owes him his life, may him and his family prosper and be healthy.

Once he made it to campus, Xiao Zhan realised yesterday’s last minute research did nothing to help him orient himself and he had to pull out a map on his phone to find the faculty or Art. At least he found the lecture hall for his first class fairly easy.

His luck is short lived, as when he sits down in one of the few vacant seats, he hits the guy next to him right in the chest.

The guy lets out a hoarse cough and lookk up at Xiao Zhan ready to murder him.

“I’m so sorry,” Xiao Zhan quickly says, a grimace on his face.

The guy blinks at him twice, like in a trance. Then his lips part in a lopsided smile. “No worries,” he says, seemingly forgiving Xiao Zhan’s life for today.

Xiao Zhan smiles at him in gratitude and sighs, letting himself fall back against the back of the chair. His heart is beating two times faster than usual and he can feel a few drops of sweat in the back of his neck from all the running and stressing. And it’s not even 8:30 yet.

The lecture hall is packed, not one single seat empty by the time Xiao Zhan has calmed down. Xiao Zhan looks around him, finding many different kinds of people. He knows this course is mandatory for a high number of majors, so it’s interesting seeing all these people that wouldn’t share lessons if not for this.

His eyes inevitably end up on the guy he hit before, sitting on his right. He is still looking at Xiao Zhan, all intense and focused like Xiao Zhan is a very fascinating case study. Xiao Zhan clears his throat and grabs his bag from the floor to pull out his laptop.

“Bad first day?” he hears the guy ask.

“Yeah, I almost missed the bus.”

The guy laughs. “Sounds terrible.”

Silence again. Xiao Zhan can feel the guy’s piercing eyes like lasers on his face as he turns on his laptop and gets everything ready for when the professor arrives. It’s awkward, the air surrounding them charged with something he can’t name.

“You look old.”

Xiao Zhan splutters. “Excuse me?”

“I mean, you don’t look fresh out of high school like most people here,” the guy explains, clearly enjoying Xiao Zhan’s annoyance by the glee in his eyes.

Xiao Zhan has been into art since he was little. He remembers going to a museum on a school trip when he was six and falling in love with all the colors and different textures. His parents always helped him develop his abilities the best they could, signing him up for extracurricular classes and taking him to expositions and galleries as he grew up. With time, he discovered he was more interested in graphic design and there came the long hours in front of the computer researching different programs and universities.

Xiao Zhan was seventeen when he realised the college of his dreams was not exactly cheap, but he told himself he wouldn’t settle. His parents offered to help him pay for it, but Xiao Zhan told them to save that money to enjoy themselves. They provided for Xiao Zhan a loving home and the opportunity to find his passion, and Xiao Zhan couldn’t be more grateful. They had done enough for him.

It took him a few years to save up enough money for his tuition, but everything -all the sleepless nights, the tears and hardships- was worth it when he received his acceptance letter.

When Xiao Zhan applied to college this past summer, he knew people would notice he wasn’t in the typical age range of a freshman. He’s not embarrassed about it nor does he care if others find it weird, but being confronted with it on the first class of his first day by the first person he talks to is not exactly pleasant.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m only twenty four,” Xiao Zhan says, an edge to his voice.

“Only? That sounds like something an old man going through a crisis would say.”

The guy sounds overjoyed by Xiao Zhan taking his bait and Xiao Zhan hates himself for it. He must be at least six years older than him, he shouldn't be getting so worked up over some teenager teasing him.

“I’m Yibo, by the way,” he continues, like he hasn’t just insulted Xiao Zhan.

The guy offers his hand for Xiao Zhan to shake with a big smile, but Xiao Zhan turns around with a huff and the intention of sitting as far away from him for the rest of the semester. No interaction between them would still be one too many.

Yibo lets out a loud chuckle and leans into him. “And you’re gonna love me,” he whispers, his breath hot on Xiao Zhan’s cheek.

***

Xiao Zhan is in his room, laying on the bed thinking about that damned energy drink logo design when he hears the front door open and shut, followed by a pair of boisterous voices. He recognises Yibo’s baritone voice immediately, the other one he can imagine who it belongs to.

He contemplates staying here, bathing in his own misery. But against his better judgement, Xiao Zhan is curious and a masochist. 

Yibo is sitting on the couch when Xiao Zhan makes it to the living room. Beside him, the vain of Xiao Zhan’s existence. They’re both laughing and enjoying Xiao Zhan’s pain.

Xiao Zhan stops on the entryway, not sure how to proceed. Should he make his presence known with a cough? Walk to them and introduce himself? 

Yibo notices him before he can think of anything, gets up in a hurry and walks over to him. He doesn’t even say hello, just grabs Xiao Zhan and drags him to the couch.

“This is Xiao Zhan,” he introduces, looking at his friend excitedly. Then he turns to Xiao Zhan. “And this is Seungyoun.”

“A pleasure,” Xiao Zhan says, polite smile firmly in place, like how his mother taught him to greet second cousins.

Seungyoun reciprocates the smile. “Likewise.”

His mother also taught him it’s impolite to stare, so Xiao Zhan averts his eyes from Seunyoun and focuses on Yibo.

“What do you guys have planned?” he asks, to break the loud silence.

“Seungyoun’s pretty tired from the trip so we were gonna order in and just chill, you in?”

Xiao Zhan is very much out. But it’s either hang out with Yibo and Seungyoun or go to his room to stress about work some more. If he stays here he will at least get to stuff his face and it would be a good opportunity to study Seungyoun.

“Yeah, sure.”

Yibo disappears into the kitchen with his phone, leaving Xiao Zhan alone with the enemy. He falls into the opposite side of the couch and lets himself stare this time. He’s a weak human being.

Seungyoun is scrolling through his own phone, probably answering some texts from his family asking if he made it okay. It takes barely two minutes for Xiao Zhan to decide Seungyoun is cute. His cheeks are high, his jaw sharp and his lips full. If Xiao Zhan was less petty he would even call him pretty. A worthy opponent. 

The silence stretches between them and Xiao Zhan wonders if Seungyoun feels awkward in his presence. He wants to think Yibo talks to Seungyoun about him as much as he talks to Xiao Zhan about Seungyoun. He’d be very disappointed if that wasn’t the case.

“Was the flight okay?”

Seungyoun looks up from his phone, smiling. His eyes twinkle in the light and Xiao Zhan is honestly ready to fight.

“Yeah, everything was fine,” Seungyoun says. “Thank you so much for letting me stay here, by the way. I know Yibo probably didn’t leave you much room to decide, so I appreciate it.”

So not only is he cute but nice too, Xiao Zhan is disgusted.

“No worries, I don’t mind,” he assures Seungyoun. He does mind, he minds a lot in fact. But his mom always told him to be charitable and life will pay you back. Xiao Zhan needs his payment in full in the form of Yibo right now and with interest. The interest being Seungyoun gone.

Jianguo chooses that moment to make her presence known, jumping onto the couch. She approaches Seungyoun with confidence, sniffing around him in interest. Seungyoun blocks his phone and puts it down, giving Xiao Zhan’s cat all his attention. He scratches her head and makes soft cooing noises. Jianguo, the traitor, starts purring almost immediately.

“She likes you,” Xiao Zhan comments. “It’s not a usual occurrence, she doesn’t like strangers.”

“I guess I’m naturally charming like that,” Seungyoun says, smiling, being in fact charming.

Xiao Zhan would take a bullet before agreeing.

***

The apartment is nothing fancy, but the cool tones are weirdly comforting and homey. Xiao Zhan falls in love with it instantly.

Yibo takes a little more time. He doesn’t like the shower tiles nor how the wooden floor of the living room continues into the kitchen. The real estate agent tells them the flooring isn’t wood but linoleum, and assures them it’s easy to clean and doesn’t wear down as fast as wood. 

That leaves only one obstacle, but it proves easy to resolve. Xiao Zhan promises Yibo they will change the shower tiles and Yibo has no other option but to accept. A rent this inexpensive downtown is hard to pass on, ugly tiles or not.

They sign the contract five days after their viewing of the flat and move in two week later.

With Xiao Zhan being focused on learning and adapting to his new job, the first month of their cohabitation flies by. They don’t see much of each other, as Xiao Zhan is working crazy hours to catch up and Yibo tends to stay late at the studio practicing as well. 

It’s not until the middle of the second month that things calm down and they have time to breathe again. Yibo brings up the tiles one night during dinner.

“You promised to change the tiles,” he reminds Xiao Zhan.

Xiao Zhan laughs. “Yeah, I remember. Wanna go to the store tomorrow to choose the new ones?”

Yibo nods excitedly, like picking new shower tiles with Xiao Zhan is the best way to spend his evening. It’s cute.

The next day finds them looking at a wall full of different designs of tiles. Flowery, in odd shapes, duochrome. There are too many to choose from and Xiao Zhan is a little overwhelmed. Surprisingly, Yibo proves quite versed in interior design and color palettes.

“The bathroom doesn’t have much contrast, all the appliances are white,” Yibo says. He has stopped before the duochrome section, which is not what Xiao Zhan expected his taste to be at all. “So I want something bright but not unusual. This one is pretty.”

The design Yibo points to is indeed pretty. It’s predominantly aquamarine, but as the light and angle change, it transforms into a bright purple. It’s not what Xiao Zhan would’ve picked, but he doesn’t necessarily dislike it. He’s just surprised that Yibo has such refined taste.

Yibo dresses in too loose pants that Xiao Zhan finds ill fitting on his more lithe and slim body type and doesn’t care much about others’ opinion on them. He says they're comfortable and he hates feeling constricted. Xiao Zhan can’t argue with that, but he silently wishes to see Yibo in more thought out outfits. He has beautiful body proportions that he has worked hard to maintain, he should flaunt them a little bit more.

Not that Xiao Zhan spends his time thinking about what Yibo should wear, though. That’d be weird.

“I like it,” Xiao Zhan agrees. He grabs the price tag and almost faints, it seems like Yibo has expensive taste as well. “It’s expensive, though.”

Yibo shrugs. “We’re both working adults, we can splurge a little.”

“You’re barely an adult,” Xiao Zhan says.

Yibo punches him in the arm and walks away, but the smile he’s wearing betrays him. Xiao Zhan laughs and grabs two boxes of the tile Yibo chose and walks towards the register.

***

The food arrives when Seungyoun is immersed in a story about one of his friends back home. Neither Xiao Zhan nor Yibo know him, but Yibo seems to be very interested.

Xiao Zhan, like the third wheel he is, walks over to the door and pays for their dinner. When he returns, Yibo has his feet on Seungyoun’s lap and they’re both laughing like Seungyoun’s storytelling skills are brilliant. In Xiao Zhan’s opinion, they’re mediocre at best.

For a little while, they’re all too busy eating. A blissful few minutes where Xiao Zhan doesn’t have to listen to Seungyoun’s high pitched voice. It lasts less that he would’ve liked, though.

“How is your mom?” Yibo asks Seungyoun. “My mom says to send her regards.”

“She’s well,” Seungyoun answers, his mouth forming a sad smile. “Better now, anyway. It was rough for a while but we’re both doing okay now.”

“I’m glad,” Yibo says, kicking Seungyoun with his foot affectionately.

It’s obvious Xiao Zhan is missing a very important piece of information. But it’s also obvious it’s a sensitive topic for Seungyoun, so Xiao Zhan is gonna continue eating his Pad Thai quietly and mind his business.

“Hey, remember when we caught that toad and brought it to your house because you wanted to keep it as a pet?” Yibo asks, eyes shining bright with mischief in probably the same way as when he was a kid.

Seungyoun’s sad expression transforms into one of delight at the memory, and Xiao Zhan is glad Yibo’s cheering up worked.

“Yeah, my mom freaked out and called a fumigation company.”

Xiao Zhan laughs. He imagines a teenage Yibo and Seungyoun carrying a toad in a cardboard box home, cheeks flushed from the hard work it was to catch it.

“Seems like you both were a pair of troublemakers,” Xiao Zhan comments.

Yibo looks at him, smiling so big Xiao Zhan is afraid his face will tear.

“Yeah, good times,” he says, voice airy.

For the rest of the night, Xiao Zhan observes them silently, studies them. They’re comfortable with each other, that much is obvious. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed since they last saw each other in person, the connection is still alive and present. They touch a lot, hit each other a lot and scream a lot. 

Yibo looks at Seungyoun with happiness oozing out of his pores and that’s an arrow of self doubt straight to Xiao Zhan’s heart. They share so many memories, Yibo spent one of the most important phases of his life with Seungyoun as his companion. Xiao Zhan is not sure he can compete with that. 

The way they interact reminds Xiao Zhan of the way he and Yibo used to act during their college days. Too much bickering and absolutely no personal space. It makes Xiao Zhan wonder if he was just a convenient replacement for Yibo, if he would’ve still wanted to be friends with Xiao Zhan had he not felt the emptiness of Seungyoun’s new absence that much.

He doesn’t think Seungyoun and him are similar, though. Xiao Zhan would like to think he’s rational and collected. He does have a wild side to him that Yibo loves bringing out of him, but it doesn’t happen much. Seungyoun, on the other hand, is extroverted and loud. He has so much energy Xiao Zhan isn’t sure even Yibo can keep up with him.

They don’t have anything in common that would explain Yibo’s interest in such opposite personalities. The only thing they share is Yibo. Xiao Zhan can’t find any solid reason why Yibo would like them both and it confuses him. He expected his first meeting with Seungyoun to be the key that would help him make sense of everything, but he fears he’s more lost than ever before.

***

The film ends with a thunderous roll of credits. Xiao Zhan can at least admit to himself he didn’t pay much attention to the last twenty minutes, missing the final climax of it completely. He was too busy looking at Yibo, his head lying on Xiao Zhan’s lap, asleep.

He always does this. Barges into Xiao Zhan’s dorm room, demands attention, then falls asleep after he gets it. Xiao Zhan likes to act like it annoys him because it annoys Yibo in return, but he truly doesn’t mind. Yibo spends so much time in his room sometimes it seems they’re living together. At this point, Xiao Zhan is used to his overbearing presence and messy habits. 

Yibo’s sleeping face is peaceful. Xiao Zhan takes a few moments to study his features. His nose bridge is high and his cheekbones prominent. He still has some baby fat he has to lose, but his facial structure is beautiful. Xiao Zhan hopes one of his clases will provide the perfect excuse to ask Yibo to pose for him.

Xiao Zhan runs his fingers through Yibo’s hair and tugs a little. “Hey, wake up,” he whispers.

Yibo grunts and his eyelids flutter. Xiao Zhan gives him time to come back to reality, massaging his scalp.

“You fell asleep and missed the best part, like always,” he teases Yibo.

Yibo turns and hides his face in Xiao Zhan’s tummy. “Shut up,” he says, voice muffled by the fabric of Xiao Zhan’s shirt. 

Xiao Zhan laughs a little, affection running hot in his veins. “Come on, you can’t sleep in jeans.”

Yibo grunts again, displeased, but complies and stands up. Xiao Zhan grabs his wrist and pulls him towards the bedroom. He searches through his drawers until he finds a pair of sweatpants that he throws at Yibo.

“Put these on,” he says.

Yibo catches them in the air, then proceeds to pull down his jeans right in front of Xiao Zhan.

“Oh my god, Yibo,” Xiao Zhan screams, turning around in embarrassment.

He hears Yibo laugh behind him, unbothered. “I don’t mind, Zhan-ge.”

“Shut up and be done with it, I have an early class tomorrow,” Xiao Zhan bites out.

To busy himself, Xiao Zhan approaches his closet and pulls out the extra pillow he keeps there. After the fifth night Yibo slept over, Xiao Zhan guessed it would be better to accept his fate and be prepared.

When it’s safe to turn around again, Xiao Zhan walks over to Yibo and gives him the pillow. He notices Yibos’ jeans on the floor and takes them with an exasperated sigh.

“You’re so messy, I swear I don’t know why I put up with you.” As he is folding them, some words printed on the fabric catch his attention. “My dick is gluten free, are you serious?”

Yibo bursts into a loud cackle and Xiao Zhan promises himself someday he will murder this brat. 

“It’s fashion, Zhan-ge,” Yibo says, eyes shining.

“Whatever,” Xiao Zhan huffs, “the sofa is waiting for you.”

Xiao Zhan grabs his own pair of sweatpants and sleeping shirt and walks to the bathroom. When he comes out, finally fully ready to sleep, Yibo is still standing in the middle of the bedroom.

“Can I sleep with you today?” Yibo asks him, voice soft and small. “In your bed.”

Xiao Zhan sighs. Everything Yibo wants, he gets. That’s how it is. Xiao Zhan has stopped questioning it.

“Okay, but don’t hoard the blankets or I’ll kick you off the bed.” He tries to sound serious but he knows he fails, Yibo’s answering smile screams victory.

As Xiao Zhan lays in bed, Yibo’s weight beside him strangely comforting, he wonders how much actual sleep he will get tonight. If he had to bet, he’d say none.

***

Xiao Zhan hasn’t seen much of Yibo and Seungyoun since Seungyoun arrived on Sunday. If that’s a blessing or a way of torture, he isn’t sure.

In the mornings, Xiao Zhan wakes up way earlier than them for work and he’s certain the pair sleep in to recover from the shenanigans they were up to the day before. Yibo explained in detail all the places he wanted to show Seungyoun, so it’d be normal for them to end the day exhausted.

At night, Xiao Zhan arrives home usually around six, and after a quick shower and dinner, he feeds Jianguo and locks himself in his room. His attempts at staying distracted have not been very successful, but not for lack of trying. Jianguo usually curls into a donut by his side but when the boys come back, she always wants to abandon him and go investigate the noise. He stays in his room, though, no matter how much he wants to know what’s going on outside of it.

In spite of their tight schedule, Xiao Zhan knows Yibo and Seungyoun still have found the time to go to the dance studio because the floor of Yibo’s room is covered in dirty sweatpants and shirts. He should have probably come armed with Febreze, but it’s already too late for his poor nose.

With a resigned sigh, he drops the laundry basket to the floor and starts gathering dirty clothes. Under the piles of sports wear, he finds an old but familiar pair of jeans. They’re worn and ripped in more places than he remembers, but the writing still brings a smile out of him. 

Back in college, Yibo made it his life mission to wear those jeans as many times as he could without making it seem like those were the only pair he owned. Xiao Zhan found it weirdly charming, how Yibo loved to pick at him until he got a reaction out of Xiao Zhan. He misses those times.

“What are you doing?”

Xiao Zhan was so immersed in his own head he didn’t hear the front door. A sweaty Yibo is standing by the door of his room, sports bag on one shoulder and murderous eyes aimed at Xiao Zhan.

“Laundry,” Xiao Zhan answers.

Yibo’s expression hardens. “It was my turn this week.”

“I know,” Xiao Zhan says, nerves starting to crawl up his skin. “But I was bored and needed something to do.”

He hopes that is enough of an explanation for Yibo, because Xiao Zhan doesn’t want to tell him the real reason.

“It was my turn,” Yibo repeats, this time harsher. 

He looks angry. Xiao Zhan doesn’t understand why, he has never had an issue with Xiao Zhan being in his room or touching his things.

“Why do you never let me do the laundry?” Yibo’s voice is getting louder and every word is like a punch to Xiao Zhan. “And why are you avoiding me?”

Xiao Zhan stands up from the floor, dropping the shirt he had in his hands into the basket. Without nothing to hold onto, his hands are noticeably trembling. 

“I’m not,” he answers, the words sounding like a lie even to him.

“You are. Do you not like Seungyoun?”

Xiao Zhan takes a deep breath in order to gain time to assemble his thoughts. He can’t tell Yibo he doesn’t want to spend time with him and his friend, no matter how true it would still be rude. Yibo is not stupid though, he probably already has realised Xiao Zhan is voluntarily choosing to not run into them.

“I just don’t want to intrude,” he finally settles on. Not entirely a lie.

“If you don’t like him you can tell me,” Yibo counterattacks, completely ignoring Xiao Zhan’s answer.

“It’s not that,” Xiao Zhan says, trying to defend himself. 

Yibo’s eyes are too intense and piercing, Xiao Zhan feels disarmed, emotionally naked. He’s not sure for how long he can keep lying until Yibo finally snaps at him.

“Then what is it?” Yibo asks.

“You know I’m stressed at work and-”

“Stop lying!” Yibo screams. He has a very angry vein on his neck and his hold on the sports bag’s strap is so tight his hands are white. “Can you for once tell me the truth.”

Xiao Zhan can feel it, rising up his throat. Up, up, up. It tastes acidic like real vomit.

“I don’t like Seungyoun, I don’t like that you brought him to our home and I don’t like that Jianguo likes him better than me.”

It’s stupid, really. Childish and petty. Xiao Zhan is all too familiar with those feelings, the way they bring his worst insecurities out. But he can’t help it. When he imagines Yibo and Seungyoun together, all he can think about is how it should be him the one that makes Yibo smile that big and bright. How it should be him the one Yibo takes to his favourite places in the city. How he once had Yibo’s love and lost it, their relationship becoming a mockup of what it used to be.

Yes, he’s bitter and angry and irrationally jealous. And he has no one to blame but himself. 

Yibo is so still it seems he’s not even breathing. After a seemingly endless moment, he lets go of his sports bag and puts the strap over his head. He drops the bag into the floor and walks past Xiao Zhan, towards his closet.

Xiao Zhan doesn’t dare move, too afraid of what it could unleash. He’s burning inside, his blood boiling him alive from within. 

Yibo walks by him once again, wordless. He stops under the threshold of the door and Xiao Zhan notices the change of clean clothes in his hands.

“Grow the fuck up,” Yibo spits. His voice sounding strained, like it’s about to crack.

He lingers for only a second, letting his words sink in. Then, he walks out.

And with him Xiao Zhan’s heart.

***

Xuan Lu’s birthday party is usually a grand affair. She likes opulence and has a special place in her heart for Baroque inspired style. Xiao Zhan wouldn’t call it tacky, because he would also like to keep his head, thank you very much. But it’s overwhelming. There are too many golden details for his liking and the colors of the flowers don’t compliment her flowy lilac dress well.

So to summarize, the decorations don’t match Xiao Zhan’s more elegant and monochromatic taste. But weirdly, that isn’t his biggest issue with how this night is going. He’s not sure why this year he’s not particularly enjoying himself. Last year, he would’ve been loose and happy, laughing with his friends and terrorizing the dancefloor with his sick moves.

Xiao Zhan is currently on his fourth drink of the night and his brain hasn’t lost any noticeable functionality yet. And not for a lack of trying. He doesn’t like alcohol that much, only tolerates a few brands of beer and very diluted cocktails, but you would expect he’d be feeling tipsy enough to not care about the image in front of him.

Yibo is in the middle of the dancefloor, absolutely owning it. How Xiao Zhan is able to see him this clearly in between all the people dancing around him, only the fact that Xiao Zhan has the absolute worst luck could explain it. And it’s not that Yibo is moving in a way that should be illegal, but that he’s doing it for someone that’s not Xiao Zhan.

There is a man behind Yibo, plastered to his back in a way that is probably uncomfortable and too hot. Yibo doesn’t seem to mind, though, as he grinds on the man with delight. Xiao Zhan watches the man circle a hand around Yibo’s waist and suck on his neck, Yibo’s hips never once ceasing movement.

It makes Xiao Zhan’s insides turn in annoyance. He can feel his temperature raising, and is sure his cheeks are flushed. At least he can always lie and blame the alcohol.

“Who is that?” Xiao Zhan asks Zhou Cheng, who’s sitting by his side at the bar.

Zhou Cheng follows his eyes and snorts. “How am I supposed to know? Probably one of Xuan Lu’s coworkers or something.”

Xiao Zhan hums in acknowledgement, but he can’t move his eyes from Yibo and the man, now kissing wildly.

“They seem like very good friends,” Zhou Cheng comments. Xiao Zhan won’t look at him to confirm it, but he can hear the sarcasm in his friend’s voice. “Like how you and Yibo used to be.”

That one hurts more than Xiao Zhan expected. So, instead of dignifying it with a response, Xiao Zhan punches Zhou Cheng in the arm. Hard.

Zhou Cheng yells and jokingly threatens to throw his drink at Xiao Zhan. It wouldn’t be a bad idea, he’d have an excuse to leave and go home to forget about this night and sleep off his nonexistent hungover.

He still hasn’t been able to properly wish Xuan Lu a happy birthday, though, and if he left now she would skin him alive next time they met up. So, his only option is find her, steal her away for a moment to be a good friend and then march in peace. He’s not having the best time, so it wouldn't be a huge loss for anyone.

With a quick sweep of the room, he locates Xuan Lu not too far away, animatedly talking with a group of people. Xiao Zhan puts on his business smile and approaches them, touching Xuan Lu’s elbow lightly to get her attention.

“Hey, birthday girl,” he says, earning a soft smile from Xual Lu in return. “Mind if I steal her for a moment?”

The people Xuan Lu is with give their consent, so Xiao Zhan drags her to a more secluded area, some potted plants serving as a barrier.

“Just wanted to properly wish you a happy birthday,” He says, kissing her softly on the cheek. Right now, he feels happy for the first time tonight. Xuan Lu always has this effect on him, always makes everything better and brighter.

“Thank you,” she answers, smiling, “you’re the sweetest. But you don’t look like you’re having much fun.”

Xuan Lu is also the one that can read him the best, he really can’t successfully hide anything from her.

“Yeah, I’m not feeling too well.”

“Go home then,” she concedes. “Take care of yourself.”

Xiao Zhan hugs her tight and kisses her cheek again in gratitude. Then he’s off.

He sends a message to their group chat telling everyone he went home just in case someone misses him, then stops by the cloakroom. As he waits for his coat, he hears someone scream his name. Turning around, he finds Yibo and the man he was grinding on walking towards him. This can’t be happening.

“Zhan-ge, are you going home?” Yibo asks him.

Xiao Zhan finds it hard to talk, his throat suddenly gone too dry. “Yeah,” he answers.

“Do you mind if we share a ride?”

Xiao Zhan can’t find in his screaming brain any reason to refuse that wouldn’t seem dumb. They live together, it makes total sense to go together.

“No, of course,” he says, cursing the moment he woke up this morning.

The ride to their apartment is awkward to say the least. Thankfully, the driver was nice enough to let him get in the front seat, leaving Yibo and his companion the back seats.

The tension in the air is palpable and comes from very different sources. Xiao Zhan’s whole body is shaking, fearing the moment the man’s self control finally snaps and he launches himself at Yibo. They’re sitting apart, but one of the man’s hands is on Yibo’s thigh, very obviously touching where it shouldn’t. Yibo, for his part, has his eyes closed and his jaw clenched, like he’s trying to contain noises of pleasure.

It’s not a scene Xiao Zhan ever wanted to witness. Yibo has never brought a one night stand home. Xiao Zhan is almost certain he partakes in them sometimes, as there are instances of him not sleeping at home. It has never bothered Xiao Zhan before. Yibo is beautiful, young and knows how to use his body, of course he has sex. But never before has he brought them home, to the space he shares with Xiao Zhan. That does bother Xiao Zhan, for some reason. It shouldn’t, because Yibo is free to do whatever and whoever he pleases, but it’s not the same when Xiao Zhan has to actually see it happen before his eyes.

Still, he doesn’t have it as hard. Xiao Zhan wonders how much shit this poor taxi driver has seen and been forced to ignore.

***

When Xiao Zhan makes it to the bar, it’s five minutes past ten. It’s a Saturday, so the place is packed and very loud. It takes a moment for him to find his friends in one of the more secluded tables at the back.

He marches towards them, taking off his jacket. He’s been in here for only a few minutes and he’s already feeling the heat.

“Hey, guys,” he says, hanging his jacket in the back of the chair beside Xuan Lu. “Sorry I’m late.”

Xuan Lu welcomes him with a smile and slides a bottle of beer in his direction. “No worries, Yibo is also running late.”

Xiao Zhan sits down and drowns half the bottle in one big gulp. When he looks up, Zhou Cheng is looking at him with that glint in his eye Xiao Zhan knows way too well.

“What,” he bites out.

Zhuo Cheng raises both arms, feigning innocence. Xiao Zhan knows better than that. “Nothing,” he says, “I literally haven’t done anything.”

“Yet,” Xuan Lu says.

All of them laugh. Xiao Zhan can feel the tension in his body loosen some with the cadence of their familiar voices. It seems like ages ago since he last saw them all, but it has been exactly a week. They always make a point to meet up on Saturday nights. It’s their little tradition and Xiao Zhan has only ever missed it twice. The first time because he had appendicitis and the second one because Jianguo had worms and he had to take her to the vet. He remembers Yibo went with him and helped him take care of her on the following days. Now, Xiao Zhan is not even sure if Yibo would look at him when he finally makes an entrance.

They haven’t spoken in two days, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it reminds Xiao Zhan of senior year of college and that’s the one memory he wishes he could forget. Xiao Zhan, like the coward he truly is, has made it his life mission to avoid Yibo, and consequently Seoungyoun, at all costs since the argument. He made sure to eat dinner at an odd hour just to not run into any of them. He always woke up much earlier than Yibo to go to work, so an awkward meeting in the morning was less than probable. But at night, the possibility was higher and Xiao Zhan didn’t want to risk another confrontation. The first one had already been embarrassing enough, he didn’t want a repeat performance of his insecurities.

“How’s that project at work going?” Hai Kuan asks. 

Xiao Zhan sighs in defeat. “Not well, my boss doesn’t seem to like any of my proposals.”

“What is it about?” It’s Zi Yi the one that asks this time.

“An energy drink.”

“What about a wild animal,” Xuan Lu exclaims. “It matches well, right?”

“Yeah,” Xiao Zhan nods, “it’s also very predictable, which is what I wanted to avoid.”

Hai Kuan hums in acknowledgement. “What were you thinking then?”

“It’s targeted towards young people, so I suppose something fresh. The client wants it to be tough, though.”

Xiao Zhan has been spewing ideas for two months, but his boss has turned every single one of them down. At this point, he’s ready for it to be over. 

“Why don’t you ask Yibo?” Zhuo Cheng suggests. “He probably fits the target audience pretty well, I bet he drowns energy drinks at the studio like crazy.”

Xiao Zhan grimaces, takes a sip of his beer. “Yeah… we’re kind of not talking at the moment.”

“What do you mean not talking?” Xuan Lu asks.

“I mean no word exchange of any kind.” A pause. “For two days.” 

Zi Yi fake gasps. Xiao Zhan doesn’t miss the way Xuan Lu hits her under the table.

“We had an argument on Thursday,” Xiao Zhan explains.

If Xiao Zhan didn’t have the best opinion of his friends, he would think they were more interested in his issues with Yibo than his job, with the way they’re all looking at him.

“About what?” Zi Yi questions.

“I mean, lots of things,” Xiao Zhan answers, very obviously diverging from the topic. “Why he always conveniently forgets to do the dishes when it’s his turn, why he never brings his keys with him, Seungyoun, why he insists on torturing me with horror movies.”

“Seungyoun,” Zhuo Cheng repeats, thankfully not mentioning Xiao Zhan’s weak attempt at avoiding the answer. “You don’t like him?”

“No, he’s great,” Xiao Zhan answers.

“Then what’s the problem?” Zi Yi asks.

“That he’s great,” Xiao Zhan deadpans. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with him.”

“I don’t get it,” Hai Kuan says, frowning.

At the same time Ziyi says “you’re stupid.” Xiao Zhan wholeheartedly agrees. 

By the time Yibo and Seungyoun arrive, the conversation has moved onto less depressing things, much to Xiao Zhan’s fortune. After a quick introduction and another round of drinks, easy conversation flows between the six of them. Except for Xiao Zhan and Yibo. It’s not awkward, because the table is way too loud and busy to leave enough time for it to become awkward. But there is a palpable tension between them.

His friends have chosen to ignore it from now, so Xiao Zhan will do the same. 

“Do you dance back home too?” Zhuo Cheng asks Seungyoun.

“Yeah, I’m in a dance crew. We do backup and choreography work for some artists.”

“Oh, that’s interesting,” Xuan Lu says. “I’m sure you have lots of sleazy anecdotes you can’t tell us.” She wiggles her eyebrows for emphasis.

Seungyoun laughs. “You could say that.”

“Yibo only has boring stories about getting lost backstage, he doesn’t understand our need for gossip.”

“More like I don’t indulge you,” Yibo comments, rolling his eyes.

“We could be rich!” Hai Kuan screams.

“Your boyfriend is already rich,” Yibo says, smirking. “You don’t need my help.”

“Zan Jin is not rich,” Hai Kuan complains.

“He literally has a trust fund,” Zi Yi says, smiling into her glass at Hai Kuan’s exasperated sigh.

“He works hard.”

“At his father’s company,” finishes Zhuo Cheng.

Xiao Zhan laughs. It feels nice not being the butt of the joke for one, he should try it more often.

“What do you do?” Seungyoun asks then. Xiao Zhan’s slow brain takes a few moments to realise it’s directed at him. “Yibo has told me you’re stressed about a project but he didn’t tell me exactly what you do.”

“I’m a graphic designer.”

“That’s so cool!” Seungyoun exclaims, eyes shining in interest. “I’m no artist but I love tattoos.”

Seungyoun rolls up his sleeve excitedly and shows Xiao Zhan his inked forearm. It’s a beautiful tattoo, fine lines and details. Xiao Zhan can feel Yibo’s eyes on him, intense and expectant. So he meets them for the first time in two days. He hopes Yibo is able to read Xiao Zhan’s feelings in them.

“That’s beautiful,” Xiao Zhan tells Seungyoun, “you have great taste.” For who that last sentence is, Xiao Zhan isn’t really sure.

***

“Do you think fate exists?”

Xiao Zhan looks up from his textbook, confused. Yibo has his feet on the table and a pair of sunglasses on, he looks comical. Xiao Zhan isn’t sure why he’s here, none of his classes warrant his presence at the library anymore.

“I don’t know,” he answers. Xiao Zhan has never stopped and thought about it. He decided on how he wanted his professional life to be pretty early on and once the goal was set in place, he only thought about achieving it. He supposes he didn’t have the time to think about trifles like fate or destiny.

“Do you think meeting the love of your life is fate?” Yibo asks again. His eyes are covered by the stained glass so Xiao Zhan can’t read them. He wonders if Yibo thinks he has met that person already or if this is simple curiosity.

“I think “the love of your life” is a socially constructed concept created to make people believe they have to stay in a bad relationship.”

Yibo groans and throws the cap of a pen at him. “I’m being serious,” he whines.

“I don’t know,” Xiao Zhan repeats, honest. “Maybe I have already met the love of my life but didn’t realise and let it pass. Or maybe it doesn’t even really exist. I think you create the love of your life by deciding to put in the work for a relationship with someone who will do the same for you.”

Yibo doesn’t respond, so Xiao Zhan goes back to his studies. But he can’t shake the feeling of someone intently watching him for the rest of the evening.

***

“What’s your type?” Zhuo Cheng asks.

A very inconvenient silence spreads around the table. Xiao Zhan shoots daggers at his annoying friend.

“Everyone else has answered, it’s your turn now.” And there it is, the glint in his eyes that Xiao Zhan knows means he’s up to no good is back in place.

Put on the spot like this, he doesn’t think he can refuse to answer or change the topic without making it obvious that he doesn’t want to answer.

“I guess someone nice.”

“Booo, boring!” Zi Yi screams. Her cheeks are flushed with alcohol, but pretty much everyone is a little bit drunk at this point.

“Someone you can talk to, a good listener,” Xiao Zhan begins. “Someone warm but that would push your buttons a little bit sometimes, just to be an asshole. Someone you can share everything with, that will work on the relationship as much as you. Someone that makes you feel like you’re drowning when you have them and when you don’t”

The silence that follows is completely different from the previous one. When the first one was because of expectation, this one feels charged with an electricity that’s gonna shock Xiao Zhan any second.

“So, Yibo,” Hai Kuan says, matter of factly. 

The laugh that escapes Yibo’s lips is the shock Xiao Zhan was waiting for. It feels like a lashing on his back.

“Well, we already know that’s not true.” Yibo’s words are slurred, from the alcohol or the fake joking tone he’s trying to use, Xiao Zhan isn’t sure. “He said I’m like his little brother and I don’t think Zhan-ge is into that creepy stuff.”

Xiao Zhan grimaces. He really set himself up with that one.

“Plus,” Yibo continues, his eyes piercing through Xiao Zhan’s soul, “he thinks I don’t notice but I know he always does the laundry even when it is supposedly my turn because he doesn’t want me to wear his clothes anymore.”

Xiao Zhan wishes the ground would open and swallow him right this instant. He tries to laugh it off, but it sounds forced. His brain is working in overdrive, trying to find anything to say that will make this mess better, but all he can come up with are flashes of images of Yibo in his favourite clothes and that’s not helping at all. He is useless. And pathetic.

Then, an angel appears.

“You’re so drunk,” Seungyoun says, punching Yibo in the arm. His contagious smile is enough to break the tension, as everyone laughs along with him.

“Yeah,” Hai Kuan agrees, “no more for you.”

“Yes more,” Yibo says. He throws an annoyed look at Seungyoun and then stands up to march towards the bar. 

The night progresses as the drinks keep coming. By the fifth round, only Xiao Zhan and Xuan Lu remain at their table. The rest of the group has moved to the dancefloor and Xiao Zhan has the perfect view of some of the most awkward dance moves he’s ever seen thanks to Hai Kuan. It’s a good enough distraction from Yibo’s lithe body and fluid movements.

“Are you planning on stopping being a fool anytime soon?” he hears Xuan Lu ask. Xiao Zhan doesn’t look at her, already aware of the pleased expression she is wearing.

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Xiao Zhan lies, because he’s a coward.

“I mean Yibo,” she explains. It seems like there won’t be any rest for Xiao Zhan tonight. “And how you’re willingly self sabotaging yourself.”

Xiao Zhan knows it’s a long shot, but he still shoots it anyway. “It was just a stupid argument, we have them all the time.”

“Sure, that’s why you look like you’ve been overthinking every second of your life since my birthday.” She waits for Xiao Zhan’s response. When she realises she’s not gonna get one, she decides to go for the jugular. “Not to mention that little brotherly stunt tonight.”

Xiao Zhan sighs, defeated. He's completely drained of energy, emotional and physical. He’s been spread so thin, he can feel his breaking point incoming and he’s not sure he can do anything to stop it. He’s just tired. He wants it to stop, this allconsuming need for Yibo. He doesn’t want to feel like this any longer, like his emotional stability depends on if Yibo will want him back.

“Just…” Xuan Lu hesitates for a moment. “You owe it to yourself and to Yibo too. It’s not healthy.”

Xuan Lu squeezes his shoulder and kisses his cheek before standing up and joining their friends on the dancefloor. Xiao Zhan looks at them, their big smiles and unsynchronized dancing. He can’t help but smile too when Zi Yi trips on Zhuo Cheng’s foot and spills her drink on Yibo. He can’t hear Yibo’s whine over the loud base of the EDM track playing, but he has heard it countless times before. He knows how it sounds. He knows almost every sound Yibo makes, some of them he wishes he didn’t. 

He feels a tight pull in his chest, remembering that night. Not one of his finest moments, if Xiao Zhan has to be honest. Not for what he did, but for what it meant for him and his relationship with Yibo. He has never known peace since that night.

“You don’t dance?”

He averts his eyes to find Seungyoun sitting on the chair Xuan Lu left empty minutes ago.

“I’m terrible at it, believe me,” Xiao Zhan says. “You don’t want to see me attempt to dance.”

Seungyoun lets out a snort. “I’m sure Yibo will be willing to teach you.” His voice is as sweet as ever, but Xiao Zhan notices the intent in his eyes.

If Seungyoun wants to be a scapegoat, Xiao Zhan won’t stop him. Not like he’ll be able to coax anything out of Xiao Zhan anyway.

“I don’t think he likes me very much right now,” Xiao Zhan says, giving Seungyoun the opening he was waiting for.

“He told me you guys fight a lot, it will pass.”

“This time is different.”

“Why?” Seungyoun asks. He looks genuinely curious, like he wants to understand Xiao Zhan’s motives to make sense of the situation.

“This time is not bickering, I hurt him for real.”

“He hurt you as well, though?”

Xiao Zhan stops. Seungyoun is just sitting there, all proud like he made a very good point and left Xiao Zhan speechless. He kind of did, but Xiao Zhan is not about to tell him that.

“I know you don’t like me,” Seungyoun says.

Xiao Zhan is quick to interrupt him. “That’s not true.”

“Maybe so,” Seungyoun concedes. “Maybe you don’t think I’m a terrible person and it’s only that you’re uncomfortable in my presence instead of distaste.”

Xiao Zhan mulls it over. Seungyoun is nice, awesome even. He knows that from all the stories Yibo has told him, he didn’t have to meet Seungyoun to understand that. Yibo is a good read of character and knows how to take care of himself. The problem isn’t, and never was, Seungyoun himself. The problem is Xiao Zhan is in love, but fears the realisation came too late and he has lost his chance.

“I’m not stupid, I know the fight was about me.” Xiao Zhan tries to interrupt him again, but Seungyoun doesn’t let him. “Not entirely about me, but my presence played a part in it. I just want to let you know that you don’t have to worry about me or the nature of my relationship with Yibo. He is my brother. And I truly mean that, not like you.”

Scratch that, Seungyoun is awful.

“I will murder you in your sleep,” Xiao Zhan grunts. Seungyoun’s answering laugh is so loud it catches Yibo’s attention. Upon seeing them, he smiles. And Xiao Zhan missed that smile so much, he never wants to go this long without seeing it.

***

“Have you ever been in love?” Yibo asks him.

It’s too early on a Saturday morning, but both the light breeze and the quiet of the city are refreshing. The balcony of their apartment is not huge, but big enough to hold the pair of garden chairs they’re currently sitting on and a small table. The sun keeps rising as Xiao Zhan thinks about Yibo’s question.

“Yeah, I think once,” he answers. “I was in high school, but it felt like love to me. She was my lab partner.”

Yibo smiles. “That’s cute. How was she?”

“She was even taller than me, which I found weirdly charming for some reason.” Xiao Zhan tries to remember her features, but his mind is blurry. “I don’t remember much about her, only that she was really quiet but liked to tease me about the time I blew up one of the experiments.”

This time Yibo laughs for real. Xiao Zhan does too, it’s a sweet memory.

“Have you ever been in love?” When Xiao Zhan realises his mistake he pauses, his heart gaining speed as he becomes nervous. “I mean, aside from me.”

Yibo blows on his tea and takes a sip. “No, just you,” he mutters.

He looks solemn, a little uncomfortable perhaps. Xiao Zhan regrets bringing it up.

“But it’s in the past now,” Yibo says. His eyes never once leave the view of the city, making Xiao Zhan wonder if he’s embarrassed about the love he once had for him or reminiscing about it still hurts him. 

Xiao Zhan has always thought falling in love was easier than falling out of love. When you realise you love someone, usually it comes with the excitement and hope that they may return your feelings. Of course there is place for doubt and fear too, but that’s part of the beautiful dichotomy a feeling like love entails.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Yibo continues, “I’m over you.”

Xiao Zhan believes him, because not doing so would bring up a surge of complicated emotions he’s not ready to face yet.

Yibo lingers for a few more minutes, then he walks inside without another word. The chillness of the morning, not enjoyable anymore, is enough to freeze his half empty cup of tea and Xiao Zhan’s heart.

***

Sharing a taxi with Seungyoun and Yibo makes Xiao Zhan think of the last time he was in this situation. This time, though, he sits in the backseat. Yibo is in the middle, because irony loves Xiao Zhan and his life. Seungyoun is being his usual talkative self, a fact worsened by all the alcohol he had tonight, and Xiao Zhan is glad, otherwise the silence would be too defeating. 

Him and Yibo aren’t completely back to normal, but he can tell Yibo’s anger has lessened. Xiao Zhan hopes they can finally fix it after Seungyoun leaves tomorrow, but he won’t hold his breath either. If Yibo demands too many answers, Xiao Zhan will be in trouble. 

Too busy imagining every possible scenario in his head, Xiao Zhan doesn’t notice they’ve arrived until he hears the car door open. He blinks and sees Yibo and Seungyoun waiting for him with the door open, expectant. He unfastens his seatbelt and gets out of the car, not before thanking the driver with a smile.

The elevator comes fast for once, so barely a minute passes and they’re home. Xiao Zhan goes straight to his room, too exhausted to care about anything other than getting changed. His stomach grunts as he’s putting on his sleeping shirt, craving chicken, but luckily there are some leftovers from yesterday that are calling his name.

He doesn’t make it to the kitchen, though. Yibo and Seungyoun are having a conversation in the living room, and their words are enough to root Xiao Zhan to the hallway.

“I don’t know what to think,” Yibo is saying, “there is always this tension between us now, since January.”

“What happened in January?” Seungyoun asks, curious.

“Nothing that doesn’t happen every year,” Yibo explains. “It’s Xuan Lu’s birthday.”

Xiao Zhan’s heart stops in his chest. Seungyoun, relentless, asks again. “Then did something weird happen at the party?”

Yibo quiets down, trying to piece together his memories of that night. The silence extends for too long, Xiao Zhan’s nerves rising with every word they say.

“I don’t think so,” Yibo answers. “I just hooked up with some guy.”

This time it’s Seungyoun’s turn to think. “I see,” he finally mutters, still pensive.

“I just want to know what’s going on inside his head,” YIbo says then. “I wish he trusted me enough to tell me.”

Seungyoun puts a hand on Yibo’s shoulder, comforting. “Maybe he’s scared of your reaction.”

Yibo huffs in annoyance. “How bad can it be? Surely not worse than him breaking my heart.”

Xiao Zhan feels a stab through his chest. It’s not a lie, and he shouldn’t be surprised that’s how Yibo remembers it.

“That’s not fair,” Seungyoun says.

Yibo sighs, resigned. “I know,” he admints. “It’s just… I know something’s been bothering him but I don’t know how to help him.” 

“How about you start by not killing each other over who does the laundry?”

Seungyoun says it with a smile and Xiao Zhan knows it’s an attempt at cheering up Yibo, but the words hang in the air, heavy with something much different than joy.

“You know it was about more than that.”

Seungyoun’s hand tightens on Yibo’s shoulder. “I know.”

Yibo shakes his head, burrows further into the couch. “Maybe we’re bad for each other,” he mutters, somber.

“I don’t think you are,” Seungyoun says. “You’re just going through a rough patch, it will pass.”

“I don’t know how much more I can take.”

Yibo is done. With him, with their lives together. The problem was never Seungyoun, it was always Xiao Zhan himself.

It feels like someone has replaced the air in Xiao Zhan’s lungs with gasoline. It burns. It tastes like ash. It makes him run. He thinks he hears his name being called, but the rational side of his brain has shut off. He stops only to put his shoes on, then he’s out the door like a flash.

***

The music is too loud for Xiao Zhan. The room is too dark and the sofa he’s sitting on is suspiciously sticky. He has a drink in his hand that he hasn’t tasted yet and he doesn’t recognise anyone around him. He thinks he doesn’t even know the person who threw this party, Xuan Lu just dragged him here and wandered off, showing very little concern for Xiao Zhan.

He doesn’t dance and he’s not interested in meeting new people, so his only option is to pull out his phone. He goes on Weibo, because what if someone takes a look at the screen and watches him playing Candy Crash in the middle of a party. He’s boring, but he also doesn’t want to become a social pariah. 

The last picture on his feed is from one of his classmates and it’s of her giving the middle finger to her notes. Xiao Zhan can relate. Graduation is coming up and he’s swamped in work. Maybe Xuan Lu’s reason to drag him here was to help him relax and forget about school, but Xiao Zhan doesn’t think it’s working. He is most definitely not relaxed and he is thinking about school.

He refreshes the page and the image changes. This time, it shows some flashing lights over a purple wall. It looks weirdly similar to the entrance hall of the house he is at. He looks at the username.

@Yiboyish

And starts freaking out. That’s Yibo’s username. Yibo is here, at this party, breathing the same smokey air as Xiao Zhan. The same Yibo that hasn’t spoken to him in months. This is not good, Xiao Zhan needs to get out of here right now.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Yibo. He desperately wishes he could, but the problem is that he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. What do you say to someone you turned down the first time you see them after the act? Xiao Zhan doesn’t want to make things worse or pressure Yibo in any way. They were inseparable for years, and even though Xiao Zhan understands Yibo’s desire to stay away, it doesn’t mean Xiao Zhan doesn’t miss him. His company, his teasing, the way he fills Xiao ZHan’s heart with warmth.

More than his own issues, he’s sure Yibo doesn’t want to see him either. Otherwise, he would already have found a way to do it. And if what Yibo needs is for Xiao Zhan to never show his face in Yibo’s presence again, he will respect his wishes and comply, no matter how much it hurts.

Which is exactly why he almost screams his lungs out when he finds Yibo approaching the couch like a predator would a prey.

“Hey, there,” Yibo greets, letting himself fall into the couch besides Xiao Zhan.

“Hey.”

“Having fun?”

“Not really, this is not my scene.”

Yibo hums in acknowledgement. The silence that follows is awkward. Yibo is clearly trying to act like nothing’s wrong, but Xiao Zhan is having a mental breakdown inside.

“Graduation is coming soon,” Yibo comments, chill as ice.

“Yeah, I can’t believe it’s almost over.” The four years that will decide your future, over just like that. It seems like yesterday when Xiao Zhan walked into that lecture hall in a rush and met Yibo.

“Anything lined up?” Yibo asks.

“One of my professors got me an interview at a firm downtown,” Xiao Zhan answers.

Mrs. Wu teached one of Xiao Zhan’s favourite courses, Editorial Design. He never really delved into it until last semester, and he didn’t expect the way Mrs. Wu touched him with her detailed explanations and beautiful graphics. She seemed to take a liking to his work as well, as he approached him a few weeks ago to tell him about the interview.

“Wow, we love nepotism.”

Yibo says it between giggles, but Xiao Zhan still punches him in retaliation. “Shut up,” he spits.

The air around them is less awkward now. Xiao Zhan’s eyes sting because of the smoke and his ears are ringing, but Yibo doesn’t seem to hate him. He counts it as a win.

“Just wanted to let you know I’m over you,” Yibo says, completely out of nowhere. Xiao Zhan’s neck cracks with how fast he turns to look at Yibo. He’s looking ahead, purposely avoiding Xiao Zhan’s eyes. The words make a stabbing pain flourish in Xiao Zhan’s chest he can’t recognise

“You are?” Xiao Zhan asks, voice small, unsure if Yibo can even hear it over the loud bass.

“I’m getting there.”

Xiao Zhan’s hand is shaking when he touches Yibo’s shoulder, forcing him to turn around and look at Xiao Zhan. Yibo’s eyes are as sharp as ever, but his clenched jaw and firmly set mouth betray him. He’s nervous, insecure.

“I just need some time.” His voice cracks a little and Xiao Zhan pretends he doesn’t hear it. The pain in his chest grows.

“Okay.”

Yibo swallows, clenches his jaw once more. “Then we can stop avoiding each other and go back to normal.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Yibo answers, smiling a little. “We’ll be living together again by the time you start your job.”

Xiao Zhan thinks about that for a moment. Living together again. He liked living with Yibo, even if he was messy and snored a little.

***

Xiao Zhan wakes up to the banging of a door pushed too hard against the wall. He jumps, almost falling off the couch he slept on last night.

Someone shoves a phone in his face.

“It’s for you.” Xiao Zhan recognises Xuan Lu’s voice, even if his half awake brain can’t process her face.

Xiao Zhan looks at the screen, see’s Yibo’s name as the caller ID. His still blurry vision must be playing tricks on him.

“It’s not Yibo,” she clarifies, seeing his expression of horror.

He takes the phone and lets it rest in his palm. Suddenly, a voice comes through the speaker.

“Hello?” 

It’s Seungyoun.

Xiao Zhan holds the device to his ear. “Hi,” he answers.

“Where are you?” Seungyoun asks.

“At Xuan Lu 's.”

“Yibo called you so many times last night, but it always went to voicemail.” He laughs a little. “Then we realised you left your phone in your room when you ran off.”

Xiao Zhan was so far gone he forgot his keys too. He wandered around the neighbourhood for a while, thinking about his overreaction. About how he was probably too impulsive and the context he didn’t have of the conversation would make sense of what he had heard.

He was still embarrassed, though, and the feeling would only worsen if he had to ring the bell of his own apartment because he ran out without keys in his pyjamas in the middle of the night. Well, more like sweatpants and a ratty old shirt but the point still stands.

In the end, he took cover in Xuan Lu’s apartment. She took one look at the state of him and rolled her eyes. But she still offered him her couch.

“Um… yeah, I wasn’t thinking much last night.”

A long pause. Too long. 

“Why did you run off?” Comes Seungyoun's next question.

“I heard you guys talking and made some assumptions,” he answers, honestly.

It’s not Seungyoun’s responsibility to deal with Xiao Zhan’s issues, he shouldn’t even like Xiao Zhan to begin with. Not after how unwelcoming he has been.

“Yibo was really worried,” Seungyoun says, because he knows exactly how to deliver a finishing hit.

Xiao Zhan closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you have to apologise to.”

“It is,” Xiao Zhan insists, “I made you this terrible person in my head for absolutely no reason.”

“I understand your reasons.” Seungyoun tells him. “Yibo doesn’t though, so you should tell him.”

He broke Yibo’s heart three years ago. Perhaps now it’s Xiao Zhan’s turn to feel the sharp edges of the tiny pieces of his own heart cutting him open. It’s only fair.

“I don’t know how good of an idea that is,” Xiao Zhan groans.

“It’s a brilliant idea, I’m brilliant.”

Xiao Zhan can imagine Seungyoun’s big smile. The tone of his voice is enough for Xiao Zhan to know he is feeling very pleased with himself.

“Think about it,” Seungyoun adds. 

Then the line goes dead.

Xiao Zhan puts the phone down, stares at the wallpaper in Xuan Lu’s living room. It’s a pastel aquamarine tone with some abstract pattern in gold. It reminds Xiao Zhan of the shower tiles Yibo chose. Bright and unusual. Definitely unusual. 

Like the way Yibo crawled inside a defenceless Xiao Zhan to carve a place for him in Xiao Zhan’s heart. And now that hole aches, gets bigger with every passing moment Xiao Zhan doubts himself. 

But no more. It’s time for Xiao Zhan to become unrestrained.

***

The day Xiao Zhan’s whole world crumbles starts like any other day. He goes to class, stays a couple of hours in the library afterwards to work on the project he has due soon. Everything seems like it’s gonna be one of those days he navigates on autopilot, routinary and a little boring yet exhausting nonetheless.

When he makes it to his dorm, it’s half past eight and he doesn’t have the energy to keep standing, let alone prepare dinner. His saving grace comes in the form of Yibo knocking on his door as he exits the bathroom after his shower.

Yibo is carrying two bags of takeout when Xiao Zhan answers the door and lets himself in without as much as a hello.

“I’ve brought food this time,” he says, “so you can’t kick me out.”

“I wasn’t planning to, I’m starving.”

Yibo gives him a smile and goes to the small kitchen area to get some plates.

Xiao Zhan was lucky enough to be assigned one of the few single rooms at the dorm, so Yibo developed the habit of visiting almost every night to escape his noisy roommate. Xiao Zhan used to complain about his annoying presence at first, but it fast turned into fondness. 

Yibo was not the arrogant brat Xiao Zhan thought that day they met. Well, he was, but he was also surprisingly reserved, thoughtful and smart. When Xiao Zhan found out Yibo was living only a floor away from him, he thought his doom was impending. Turns out they’re very different but compatible at the same time.

So in between all the shared notes, awake nights spent gaming and personal conversations, Xiao Zhan found an unexpected friend.

“It’s from that Thai place you love so much,” Yibo comments, sitting down on the sofa. He opens the plastic bags and starts pulling out containers.

Xiao Zhan makes his way to the sofa and sits beside Yibo. “You didn’t have to,” he says.

Yibo shrugs. “I know that big project is kicking your ass, so I wanted to cheer you up.”

Warmth fills his chest. “Thank you,” Xiao Zhan says, genuinely grateful.

Yibo’s cheeks turn rosy, then he clears his throat awkwardly.

“Anyway, I get dibs because I paid.”

Xiao Zhan laughs but doesn’t contradict him, it does make sense.

The next few hours are spent eating until they can’t anymore and laughing until Xiao Zhan’s face hurts. His belly is full and his head finally quiet and at peace, he really needed the distraction.

Yibo is longing on the couch, half dead, when Xiao Zhan finishes his plate.

“Choose a movie while I clean up,” he tells Yibo. “And no horror, I’m not in the mood to suffer.”

Yibo laughs, but it’s a soft one, nothing like the boisterous cackles he throws at Xiao Zhan when he tortures him with his favourite horror movies.

Xiao Zhan cleans up the table and makes his way into the kitchen. He throws away the plastic containers and does the dishes. When he comes back to the living room, only the light from the tv illuminates the room. The first shot of the movie Yibo has picked is a nice índigo that bathes his features in pretty waves of distorted navy and cobalt. He looks like an ice prince melting. Xiao Zhan wants to draw him.

He shakes his head to dissolve the thought and walks over to the couch, throwing himself at Yibo’s side. Yibo lets out a surprised huff but welcomes him under the blanket with a smile. He waits for Xiao Zhan to find a comfortable position before pressing play on the remote.

The first fifteen minutes, Xiao Zhan has no trouble focusing on the screen and following the beginning of the story. The next fifteen, the strain of the day starts catching up to him and his brain begins getting fuzzy. Yibo elbows him subtly when he notices Xiao Zhan nodding off and he jumps, opening his eyes immediately. 

He forces himself to try to stay awake, consciously repeating the dialogue of the movie in his head to keep alert. It doesn’t work for long. By the first hour mark, Xiao Zhan’s brain decides it’s time to turn itself off. 

He wiggles a bit to find the best spot and lays his head on Yibo’s shoulder with a pleased sigh. The soundtrack of the movie is slow and melodic, the perfect lullaby for Xiao Zhan. He stays on a light sleep, sometimes waking up enough to listen to the characters’ voices. He can feel Yibo’s steady breathing against his ribcage and mixed with the beautiful music, it creates the perfect rhythm for Xiao Zhan to relax. 

He doesn’t know how much time passes, but one of the times he’s lucid enough to notice his surroundings, he finds Yibo has rearranged the blanket to cover him better. Yibo always takes good care of him, he’s kind of sweet in his own perverse way.

“I wish you could’ve stayed awake for a little longer,” he hears Yibo say, defeat shining through his voice. “I wanted to tell you today.”

Xiao Zhan is more than lucid now, he’s completely awake. He contemplates telling Yibo, but curiosity gets the better of him.

“I prepared everything,“ Yibo continues. “I got you food from your favourite restaurant, tried to make you feel better because I knew you were being hard on yourself. I even picked a cheesy movie I knew you’d like. We could’ve watched Get Out, but you’re a scaredy cat.”

Yibo always teases him about his taste in movies and more times than he can count, they’ve argued for hours about what film to watch, leaving no actual time to watch said movie. Xiao Zhan wants to smile, but that would mean exposing himself and his very much non asleep situation, so he schools his features into a neutral expression.

“I also wish you would realise, so I didn’t have to tell you in the first place.” A sigh, then a stretch of silence only broken by the ongoing movie in the background. “I’ve stopped myself so many times from telling you.”

Xiao Zhan feels the soft pads of fingers on his cheek, softly caressing the skin. His chest tightens in response, a knot forming in the back of his throat.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable with my feelings, I don’t want to lose you.” 

Suddenly, the air is charged with so much. Desperation and anxiety and pain. But above all, hope. Xiao Zhan can feel them, clogging his chest, making it impossible for him to breath anymore.

“I love you so much.” Something breaks in Yibo’s voice. “But I’ll have you any way I can.”

Xiao Zhan feels a shiver run down his whole body. Yibo stops, pulls his hand away. They stay like that for a few minutes, frozen in place. He’s giving Xiao Zhan time to think and decide.Then.

“Zhan-ge.”

A plea. 

Xiao Zhan has never seen Yibo look so vulnerable. He pretends to act tough with his cold exterior, but Xiao Zhan knows his true self. He’s warm inside, scorching even.

It’s still a hit straight to Xiao Zhan’s heart seeing him like this. Trusting and cracked open raw for Xiao Zhan to take a look inside his soul.

Xiao Zhan doesn’t think he deserves this, the intensity of Yibo’s feelings. The wetness in his eyes as he looks at Xiao Zhan like he holds Yibo’s life in his hands.

“I love you,” Xiao Zhan says, whispers. The shine in Yibo’s eyes intensifies for the mere second it takes Xiao Zhan to continue. “Like a little brother.”

Yibo shatters. Xiao Zhan watches it happen before his eyes. The way he moves back, away from Xiao Zhan. The way his hands tremble before he closes them into fists. The way his jaw clenches into piercing glass.

Somehow, though, Xiao Zhan can’t stop.

“You understand me, and I’ve come to depend on you for affection and comfort more than I would like,” Xiao Zhan continues. “Maybe that was a mistake, I never meant to give you the wrong impression.”

“You didn’t,” Yibo quickly interrupts him.

“Then why are you telling me you love me?” he questions. “We’re friends.”

“You’re more than a friend to me,” Yibo responds. He sounds strained, like the air can’t reach his lungs. “You’re all I think about. I space out during practice all the time because I can’t stop thinking about how you let me borrow your clothes when I stay over, wondering if it even means anything to you at all.”

“It doesn’t, not in that way,” Xiao Zhan says. Perhaps he got this friendship thing all wrong. “I’m sorry, I will stop doing that.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“Then what do you want?” Xiao Zhan asks, completely lost. He thought he had his life on track, maybe he was just fooling himself all along.

Yibo takes a long stretch of time to respond. His cheeks are flaming hot and his eyes wild. Long gone is the vulnerability Xiao Zhan found in him, now he’s all hard lines and determination.

“I want you to look at me and feel the physical need to kiss me,” he finally says.

Xiao Zhan swallows around the lump in his throat, but his voice still sounds strangled when he talks. “I can’t give you that. All I feel when I look at you is brotherly affection.”

“Please stop,” Yibo begs him, like Xiao Zhan’s words are sharper than knives.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know,” Yibo says, his voice almost a whisper. “And that’s the worst part.”

Xiao Zhan doesn’t know how much time it passes before Yibo stands up and silently walks out without sparing a glance at him. He spends it thinking about how this may be the end for them. And it’s selfish, really, the way it pains him. Yibo has been a constant in his life for three years, his support and his escape when he needed it. He’s beginning to question how much he has taken from Yibo without realising he was hurting him in the process. Maybe an ending is exactly what he deserves.

***

The terminal is packed when Xiao Zhan crosses the glass doors. He makes his way to the screens and reads anxiously through them. The only flight to Seoul is still more than an hour away from boarding, Xiao Zhan still has time. He doesn’t have his phone, so the only option he has is to look for them. 

His lungs are close to giving out when he notices a familiar mop of hair in line for the security check. He sprints like his life depends on it, not even knowing what he’s gonna do or say to Yibo.

In the end, he lets himself go and just feel. He grabs Yibo’s elbow and turns him around with a strong pull. Leaving no time for Yibo to react, Xiao Zhan just launches himself at him and kisses him. 

He hears Yibo let out a shocked huff, but Xiao Zhan doesn’t budge. He holds Yibo’s cheeks in both of his hands and traces his tongue over Yibo’s lips, insistent. Suddenly, Yibo deflates, opening his mouth for Xiao Zhan to explore. The kiss is deep and full of all the emotions Xiao Zhan has been repressing inside himself for months. 

He doesn’t stop to think about where they are, who they are with. Yibo is the only thing that matters. His wet mouth, the way he quietly moans when Xiao Zhan sucks on his tongue, his hands on Xiao Zhan’s waist, holding him tight against his body. Xiao Zhan always knew it would feel electrifying having Yibo like this, in his arms.

They only break apart when the strain of air loss is a stabbing pain in Xiao Zhan’s chest. It takes a few seconds for Xiao Zhan to open his eyes. He doesn’t want reality to catch up with him and punch him in the face with Yibo’s rejection. 

So he breathes in slowly, trying to calm his galloping heart. When he finally masters the courage, he looks up at Yibo. And his heart roars inside his chest.

Yibo is looking at him with the softest expression Xiao Zhan has ever seen painted across his features. His eyes are glossy and his cheeks pink. He is the most breathtaking creature Xiao Zhan has ever seen. Xiao Zhan is ready to give his heart, his soul, his whole being to Yibo, everything is already his anyway.

“What the fuck?” Yibo asks, voice shaky. “Couldn’t you wait and do this at home?”

“No,” Xiao Zhan answers, confused..

Xiao Zhan can see Seungyoun hysterically laughing in the background, enjoying the mess that is his life. At least everyone else around them seems to find their phones much more interesting than this dramatic scene taking place before them.

Yibo frowns “Why not?”

“Because we have already lost enough time,” Xiao Zhan says, like it is that simple. Maybe it is, maybe it always has been.

Yibo’s eyes widen. A million thoughts run through Xiao Zhan’s head in the seconds it takes Yibo’s expression to change from surprise to affection, making a small stop in exasperation.

“You are so stupid, honestly I don’t even know why I still like you,” Yibo says, smiling.

XIao Zhan’s brain short circuits. “You like me,” he repeats, stunned.

“I love you, unfortunately.”

“But you said you were over me?”

Yibo sighs again. “Zhan-ge, seriously, for someone so smart you are so thick sometimes.”

Xiao Zhan smiles. “I love you too,” he tells Yibo, so happy he could burst at the seams.

Yibo’s answering smile is blinding. Xiao Zhan grabs for him again, wanting to kiss him until their lungs give out. Someone pulls Yibo away from him before their lips touch, and Xiao Zhan is left with the cold of his absence.

“I’m glad you guys finally got your shit together,” Seungyoun says, “but I still have a flight to catch.”

Xiao Zhan can’t help but let out a lod cackle. It’s ridiculous, his life is absolute bonkers. He needs a break from it. Except Yibo, perfectly infuriating Yibo, no break could ever make Xiao Zhan forget how much Yibo lights him up inside.

Yibo is laughing too. He looks so… gorgeous. He’s just glowing in the artificial light of the fluorescent tubes like no else could. 

“Okay, loverboy, stop eye fucking my friend, I need to say goodbye to him first.”

Seungyoun pulls Yibo into a tight hub, and Xiao Zhan can see how Yibo hides his face on his friend’s neck. But the green monster doesn’t crawl up his skin like it used to. Yibo loves Seungyoun, just not in the same way he loves Xiao Zhan. And it’s a beautiful kind of love still. A friendship like this is precious and difficult to find, Xiao Zhan is glad Yibo has someone like this in his life. He’ll excitedly wait for Seungyoun’s next visit. Or, who knows, maybe they’ll be the ones to visit him next time.

When they separate, their eyes are wet. The words they’re exchanging are in Korean, but the sadness in their eyes is enough for Xiao Zhan to understand.

Seungyoun turns towards him. “Take care of him,” he tells Xiao Zhan.

Xiao Zhan nods. “I will,” he responds. “And thank you.”

Seungyoun hugs Yibo one last time, then grabs his suitcase and doesn’t look back.

***

“Stay still,” Xiao Zhan reminds Yibo.

Yibo grunts and raises his arm back into position. “I’m tired, Zhan-ge,” he whines.

Xiao Zhan ignores him and traces the charcoal over Yibo’s delicate wrist bone in the paper. This semester finally brought him the perfect chance to make Yibo pose for him. His professor told him he wanted Xiao Zhan to focus on usually forgotten details to explore more the quality and strength of his strokes.

And Yibo’s body lines are simply exquisite. The body of a dancer -slim but defined- is perfect, as this type of muscle highlights uncommon features.

Yibo is standing facing Xiao Zhan, his right arm extended at a right angle. Xiao Zhan is only drawing his upper body, but he still decided against Yibo sitting down because it would ruin the planes of his tummy. He is doing more complaining than posing, though, and they’re not even half done yet.

Xiao Zhan has sketched the outer lines, which is the easy part. Now, he will have to capture every shade, every curve os Yibo’s body. He needs to be focused, keep a light hand.

As he works on the ripples of Yibo’s ribs, Yibo sighs for the fifth time. “I’m bored, Zhan-ge. Entertain me.”

Against his better judgement, Xiao Zhan laughs. “You’re not here to have fun, Yibo.”

Yibo pouts a little, displeased, but his posture is still good.

“Obviously I’m here so you can ogle my naked body,” Yibo says, a big grin on his face. Xiao Zhan is glad he’s not supposed to draw Yibo’s face, or he’d be in worse trouble.

“You’re not naked,” Xiao Zhan retorts, pointing at Yibo’s sweatpants with his free hand.

Yibo huffs. “I’m plenty naked,” he says, voice high pitched.

Xiao Zhan delines Yibo’s pectoral, applying a bit more force to the charcoal so he can achieve a wider line as the muscle curves.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” he reassures Yibo, “I’m only looking at you through my artist eye.”

For some reason, his words make Yibo frown. “You’re not even paying me,” he says, voice small.

Once he finishes the chest, Xiao Zhan moves onto Yibo’s clavicles and shoulders. His waist to shoulder ratio is quite pronounced and his deltoids bulge out easily. Xiao Zhan spends longer than anticipated trying to get them right.

“When we get home I’ll give you whatever you want,” Xiao Zhan offers.

Yibo’s smile returns, making his round cheeks pop out. “I wanna watch a horror movie,” he says.”

Xiao Zhan almost fucks up Yibo’s bicep. “Don’t push your luck,” Xiao Zhan warns him.

From then on, Yibo stays silent, happy with his little victory. Xiao Zhan takes advantage of it to retouch some areas he’s not happy with. One of them is Yibo’s happy trail, where he’s having trouble with the shading. Too perfectionist to give up, Xiao Zhan redoes it three times before he considers it good enough. It’s not perfect, but just looking at the waist if Yibo’s sweatpants makes Xiao Zhan’s insides turn hot. It’s a clear signal of his tired brain, his wrist is already sore.

“It’s done,” Xiao Zhan announces, dropping the charcoal into his case after giving the final touches.

FInally able to break the pose, Yibo rolls his shoulders a few times to get rid of any numbness and approaches Xiao Zhan’s station. He scans the drawing with big curious eyes.

“It’s beautiful,” Yibo says, in awe. “You’re so talented, Zhan-ge.”

Xiao Zhan blushes, embarrassed at the compliment. This close, he can’t take his eyes off Yibo's profile. His high nose, his chin, the relief of his thick eyebrows.

“Yeah,” he sighs, “beautiful indeed.”

***

They’re in Xiao Zhan’s bed, kissing. Because apparently kissing is a thing they do now. 

Lying on their sides in only their underwear, legs intertwined and hearts synchronised, Xiao Zhan has never felt happier.

Yibo kisses like he is. First deep, insistent, taking Xiao Zhan’s breath away. Then, he sucks on Xiao Zhan’s bottom lip, his wet tongue more soothing. It gives Xiao Zhan whiplash, the sudden change, but it also excites him.

“When did you realise?” Yibo asks, sliding his mouth to Xiao Zhan’s neck.

“After you confessed I started seeing you in a different light,” Xian Zhan starts, a shiver running up his spine when Yibo starts sucking on his skin. “All our interactions, I spent hours afterwards analysing them. And when you began saying you were over me… I didn’t like how it felt to hear that. It hurt, and at first I didn’t know why.”

“So what changed?”

Yibo sucks harder, and Xiao Zhan can’t help but whimper, his neck already becoming sensitive and tender.

“You hooked up with that guy at Xuan Lu’s birthday,” Xiao Zhan admits

Yibo stops his movements and looks up at him, eyes big. “Oh my god,” he whispers, his hot breath on Xiao Zhan’s wet neck sending shivers down his body.

“You kissed him right in front of me.” Xiao Zhan can still remember how it made him feel, the hurt masked as annoyance. “He was all over you and you were very obviously enjoying it. It made me want to break his skull against the floor.”

“I only did it because I needed a distraction,” Yibo says. He pushes Xiao Zhan flat on the mattress and climbs over him, straddling his lap. Xiao Zhan groans, the weight of Yibo on his hardening cock delicious. “We had been living together for a year by then and I was struggling. It was so hard and frustrating sharing domesticity but not in the way I truly wanted, I needed a night to not think about you.”

Xiao Zhan looks at Yibo. Only once before has Xiao Zhan seen him look so open and vulnerable. This time, Xiao Zhan feels it too. This time, he will make sure to replace Yibo’s hurt with screams of pleasure.

“And did it work?” he asks Yibo.

“Not really.”

Xiao Zhan smiles, runs his hands up Yibo’s thighs. His skin is soft, creamy. Xiao Zhan wants to bite him and paint the canvas that is Yibo’s body in blues, purples and yellows.

“I could hear you screaming for him through the wall,” Xiao Zhan confesses. “I touched myself imagining it was me you screamed for.”

Yibo smirks, delighted by Xiao Zhan’s most guarded secret. “It was,” he says.

Yibo’s admission pulls a moan out of Xiao Zhan. “You can’t say stuff like that,” he complains, his voice more like a growl.

“Why not?”

Xiao Zhan puts his hands on Yibo’s waist, encouraging him to move. “Because it makes me so fucking hard.”

Yibo’s eyes light up like fire, Xiao Zhan’s words the gasoline he needed to become flames.

***

Xiao Zhan looks at the clock on his bedside table. 01:23. The last time he checked, it marked 00:11. It’s been more than an hour and sleep still eludes him. It probably has something to do with the noises coming from the adjoining room.

At first it was some moans and whines he could tune out. Then those evolved into full on screams, accompanied with bangs against the wall. Xiao Zhan is pretty sure he heard something break, even.

How is he supposed to get any sleep when Yibo is enjoying the fuck of his life just next door. Why couldn’t they fuck in silence, Xiao Zhan just wanted the recommended eight hours of sleep, he doesn’t think he’s asking for too much.

The worst part, though, isn’t that he can’t sleep or that tomorrow he will have two black craters under his eyes. No, the worst part of it all is that Xiao Zhan is hard. From hearing Yibo get fucked. He’s been hard since he heard the first muffled moan, because apparently his dick is on board the no sleeping train.

Another loud scream comes, making his bed frame rattle. And Xiao Zhan is just done. There is only one thing he can do. So Xiao Zhan shoves a hand inside his underwear and circles his dick, gathering the precome in his palm first to make it more comfortable for him.

He tries not thinking about anything, just getting to work. Some fast strokes to take the edge off, then only the buildup and orgasm left. But it doesn’t work. No matter how much he pulls, he can’t seem to reach that moment where the pleasure overtakes the exertion. 

Then, Yibo’s clear voice comes through the wall, demanding.

“Give me more.” He sounds not quite there yet, like Xiao Zhan. Maybe the guy is not as good as Xiao Zhan thought.

A loud curse follows, and more bangs next.

Xiao Zhan’s dick twitches at the sound of Yibo’s answering moan. Obscene, unashamed. He strokes himself faster, matching the rhythm of Yibo’s pleasure.

He wishes it was him with Yibo, he’d give anything to have Yibo like this. At his most vulnerable, raw and entrusting Xiao Zhan to take care of him in any way he’d needed to.

He tightens his hold and starts moving his hips, fucking his own hand. A mockup of what the real Yibo would feel. Warm and wet, like rain in the spring.

He imagines Yibo’s face as Xiao Zhan fucks into him. Rosy cheeks, lips bitten and swollen, eyes unfocused. It’s an image too beautiful, too powerful. Yibo’s whole existence feels like that, like he’s a hurricane sent to mess up Xiao Zhan’s life. But like every natural disaster, he is beautiful as much as he is dangerous. Xiao Zhan can’t do anything but let himself be swept away, flying without course as he watches everything he believes in crumble down.

Desperate for release, Xiao Zhan speeds up, his skin sweaty and muscles screaming. He feels it coming, like the edge of a blade ready to pierce him.

Right then, Yibo’s voice fills the void once more.

“Yes, gege,” Yibo moans, “just like that.”

It hits Xiao Zhan then, as he comes all over himself and the waves of his own pleasure consume him. Yibo is a pull Xiao Zhan is too tired to keep fighting. 

As he lays there in his bed, exhausted, his skin still tingling, Xiao Zhan realises maybe he’s been lying to himself. Maybe the way he feels for Yibo goes beyond friendship, maybe it always has.

***

On his knees like this, Yibo’s damp back is beautifully arched. Xiao Zhan admires the dip of his spine, his shoulder blades. Every single part of Yibo was designed to drive Xiao Zhan completely insane.

“More,” Yibo demands, his voice echoing in Xiao Zhan’s mind.

Xiao Zhan gives him more, touches the tip of his third finger to Yibo’s hole. Without much more warning, he pushes inside, the squelch of the lube louder than Yibo’s answering moan.

It’s scorching hot inside, Yibo’s walls still tight like a vice. So Xiao Zhan works him open, slowly fucking Yibo with his fingers. With every push inside, he goes a little deeper, stays a little more time inside.

When he feels the walls loosen, Xiao Zhan leans down and deposits a soft kiss in between the twin dimples at the bottom of Yibo’s spine.

“You’re doing so well,” Xiao Zhan praises, soothing Yibo’s noises. ”You’re a dream come true.”

Yibo whimpers, Xiao Zhan shushes him and gives him another kiss.

“I will give you anything you want, “ he continues, “you just have to ask.”

Yibo turns his head on the mattress and looks at him. “I want your cock,” he says.

“Where?” Xiao Zhan asks him, the next thrust of his fingers harsher, focalised.

“In my ass,” Yibo cries out, thighs shaking as Xiao Zhan caresses him from within.

After a moment, Xiao Zhan takes his fingers out. If he had the time, he’d lick them clean, but he has too much restrained energy flooding his veins and he needs it out before it consumes him. 

So he rips the condom package messily, then rolls it on. At the sound, Yibo tries to turn on his back, but Xiao Xhan stops him, holding his hips in place.

“Like this, “ Xiao Zhan says. “I wanna see your hole swallow my dick and I want you to set the pace.”

When the tip of his dick catches on Yibo’s hole, Yibo is trembling in anticipation. But Xiao Zhan doesn’t move, waits.

“Fuck yourself on my dick,” he instructs Yibo. “Come on, give it to me.”

Yibo raises to his hands for better balance, then gives Xiao Zhan what he asked for. He starts slow, stopping completely when the whole head pops inside. He rotates his hips around it, feeling the stretch, making Xiao Zhan moan.

Yibo’s pace is torturously slow, like he’s savoring every inch, taking his own pleasure. It makes Xiao Zhan feverish, the idea that Yibo is just using him. But the sight of his cock disappearing inside Yibo’s body is enough for Xiao Zhan’s sanity to thin.

When Xiao Zhan is completely sheathed in he lets himself feel it. It’s beyond anything he could have imagined, pure ecstasy. 

He’s about to ask Yibo for more, but Yibo doesn’t give him the chance. He starts moving his hips faster, pulling every line of thought from Xiao Zhan, who can only hold into Yibo’s waist and take it.

“Fuck,” Xiao Zhan hisses, “you’re amazing, you feel so good, I can’t believe I get to have you.”

But it’s Xiao Zhan’s words, his incoherent declaration that finally has Yibo snapping. He lets out a growl and fuck himself harder, the lines of his muscles underneath his skin hypnotizing. 

Xiao Zhan can feel his orgasm pooling in his stomach, ready to wash over him. But it’s not time yet. So he leads down over Yibos body, chest to back.

“Not yet, babe,” he whispers into Yibo’s ear, his hands petting over Yibo’s waist. “Let me see you first, I wanna see those beautiful eyes.”

Yibo whines but complies, stopping his hips. Xiao Zhan kisses the back of his neck and pulls out slowly, moving backwards a little to give Yibo enough room to turn around.

The sight before him must be a product of his imagination, Xiao Zhan thinks, it’s not possible for someone to be glowing bright like this and not be a projection. But Yibo is very much real, and Xiao Zhan will never let him go again.

Xiao Zhan kisses him. Messy and wet and desperate. Yibo is like the oasis Xiao Zhan has always had in front of him but thought an illusion. Now, Xiao Zhan will never stop drinking from him.

When he enters Yibo once more, they’re still kissing. Xiao Zhan swallows Yibo’s moan and bottoms out in one swift thrust. He holds still for a moment, just enjoying the way Yibo’s tongue plays with his, how he likes to bite at Xiao Zhan’s lips when the sensations become too much.

“You’re so soft inside,” Xiao Zhan says, in awe. “So warm too.”

Yibo’s eyes flood black, the pupils overflowing. “Fuck me.”

And Xiao Zhan does. Long forgotten are the tender touches and words, there’s no place for them now. Not when Xiao Zhan feels like his whole body has been set on fire.

Xiao Zhan fucks Yibo hard, deep, taking pleasure from him, giving him his heart in the process. Because Yibo takes from him too. He takes Xiao Zhan’s breath away, takes the love Xiao Zhan has hidden deep inside himself and sets it free. 

“I love you,” Xiao Zhan says, half a moan, half a scream. “Fuck, I love you so much.”

It feels so good, so liberating being able to say it freely. Not as good as Yibo feels, though. Being inside Yibo is like home, where he belongs, where he was always meant to be.

“I love you too,” Yibo whimpers, eyes glassy with tears. From happiness of immeasurable pleasure, Xiao Zhan doesn’t know. He doesn’t really care, either. “Now make me come on your cock.”

It’s an order, and Xiao Zhan was born to serve his king.

So Xiao Zhan speeds up, touching Yibo deep inside where no one has reached before. His muscles scream in agony but Xiao Zhan doesn’t notice, completely enraptured by Yibo.

With every snap of Xiao Zhan’s hips, Yibo’s moans become louder, his cock drips. His temples are damp where his eyes have leaked, too full to contain the boiling desire within them. He looks like sonnets should be written, statues carved in his name. Bright, magnificent, golden. He is everything and absolutely nothing all at once, he is life itself.

And Xiao Zhan has him in his arms. He has his tears, his passion, his love. And he can feel how Yibo consumes him, leaving nothing is his wake except for a fool that spent too much time denying himself this.

It all comes crashing down around him soon after. Yibo brings his fingers to his open mouth and licks at them. The traces he leaves on Xiao Zhan’s skin as he slides them down his body feel like wet burns.

The first touch to Xiao Zhan’s hole is shy, unsure.

“Do it,” Xiao Zhan says, his eyes never leaving Yibo’s.

The second one isn’t. Yibo circles Xiao Zhan’s entrance, giving time for the muscle to relax. When the first knuckle breaches him, Xiao Zhan moans. It’s too dry for it to go any further, but Xiao Zhan doesn’t need it to. It feels good just the same.

Yibo, encouraged by Xiao Zhan’s noises of pleasure, starts fucking him, matching the pace of Xiao Zhan’s thrusts. It’s all too much, the very different sensations of fucking and being fucked at the same time, Xiao Zhan’s nerve endings are on fire.

“So tight, Zhan-ge,” Yibo whimpers, his rhythm faltering when Xiao Zhan’s dick pulls a shiver from him.

Xiao Zhan is so close. He can feel it coming, tingling all the way down his spine.

Then Yibo’s eyes close, a moan ripping through his throat as he convulses. And it’s Yibo’s body tightening around Xiao Zhan’s cock as he orgasms that finally makes Xiao Zhan let go.

After the waves of pleasure cease, all that’s left is their panting. Xiao Zhan pulls out slowly, getting up on shaky legs to dispose of the condom. When he returns, Yibo is laying under the covers, soft smile on his face. Xiao Zhan pulls the covers aside and gets under them as well, immediately searching for Yibo’s body.

They end up on their sides again, looking at each other, just how the night started. Now, though, the trepidation and desire has vanished, leaving tenderness and sleepiness take their place. Xiao Zhan bashes in it, the peace Yibo has brought him. 

“We should try a double ended dildo,” Yibo comments, casual as ever.

Xiao Zhan splutters. “That’s what you’re thinking about right now?”

“That’s what I was thinking about when we were fucking,” Yibo explains. “Now I’m thinking we’re gross.”

“You’re such a romantic,” Xiao Zhan says, groaning.

Xiao Zhan watches as Yibo’s features transform into a wicked smirk. “If you wanted words of love you just had to ask,” he says.

Xiao Zhan groans some more, but it’s quickly drowned in a pleased sigh as Yibo kisses him. Slowly, lazily. The touch of their skin still awakens something within Xiao Zhan, he will probably always be affected by Yibo’s winds and storms.

Xiao Zhan doesn’t remember when he falls asleep. Everything he sees, tastes and feels is Yibo. And then, darkness comes.

***

They’ve been waiting for their luggage for more than thirty minutes, and Xiao Zhan is ready to fall asleep right on this very uncomfortable chair.

The flight to Seoul is not particularly long, but Yibo insisted on an early flight so they could still make the most of the remaining hours once they arrived. So Xiao Zhan woke up at 4 am so they could catch the 6 am flight. Pure torture, if you ask him.

Yibo is vibrating with excitement by his side, though, so he can’t be too mad. This trip has been the only thing he talked about since they started planning it a few months ago. Xiao Zhan still remembers Yibo’s face when he made the suggestion to go to Seoul for their summer vacation this year. The shine in his eyes was enough to let Xiao Zhan know the answer.

So two plane tickets, a cancelled hotel reservation and a fully planned schedule later, here they are. Waiting. Watching their life pass by miserably.

Yibo kicks him in the shin.“Don’t fall asleep,” he warns.

“I’m not, I’m just resting my eyes,” Xiao Zhan says, grimacing.

“Rest them while open.”

Xiao Zhan laughs. When he opens his eyes, Yibo is looking through his phone. If Xiao Zhan had to bet, he’d say the planning app where Yibo keeps their schedule for the trip is open. He’s been obsessively checking it for days now.

Xiao Zhan feels it is his mission to distract him. And he does it in the best way he knows how. Yibo’s lips are as soft and plump as ever. Xiao Zhan licks them, bites the bottom one to make it even plumper. Yibo kisses him back for a moment, then Xiao Zhan is being pushed away. 

“Don’t distract me,” Yibo says, voice serious. His lips are wet and his hair a little disheveled, though, he is everything except intimidating.

Their luggage finally arrives not much later. Even though the terminal is pretty big, the arrivals exit is well indicated, so they find it easily.

They’ve barely walked through the automatic doors when a projectile collides with them. A huff of air is pulled out of Xiao Zhan as this very advanced model of projectile squeezes them tight.

“You’re late,” the projectile screams right in their ears, sounding suspiciously like Seungyoun.

“Blame the luggage,” Xiao Zhan says. 

Seungyoun lets them go and claps his hands excitedly. “We’re gonna have so much fun,” he says, voice higher than normal.

“Yeah,” Yibo says, “I have everything planned out.”

“That’s boring,” Seungyoun, whines. “Where is your adventurous spirit?”

Xiao Zhan listens to their little exchange, amused. Who knew their dynamic would be so entertaining.

“Zhan-ge likes my schedule,” Yibo says.

“That’s because your Zhan-ge is dickmatized,” Seungyoun counterattacks. “I am not, though, so your schedule sucks.”

Xiao Zhan can’t help but let out a cackle. Yibo turns to look at him with betrayal in his eyes. 

“You do have me dickmatized,” Xiao Zhan agrees, pecking Yibo softly on the lips. 

Yibo’s eyes soften, his cheeks turning a pretty pink.

“I hate people in love,” Seungyoun comments, making gagging noises. He grabs Yibo’s arm and pulls him along, leaving Xiao Zhan to gather their luggage and follow them to the exit.

As Xiao Zhan looks at Yibo and Seungyoun, linked by the arms, walking a few steps before him, all he feels is happiness. There is that little monster inside his head reminding him about the velvet box hidden in his sock drawer back home, but that one he doesn’t mind at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!! <3


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